Letting go of the past
I think most people are hanging on to something from the past and don’t realise it. We’re very good, especially we British, at stiffening our upper lip and the ‘least said, soonest method’ attitude. Well, no! Because when we hold pain, memory, traumatic events etc. inside and don’t verbalise how we feel, we develop an emotional guarding along with, often, behavioural anomalies that stop us from engaging in life to the full. This also reflects in the body, because mind and body are inextricably linked.
An angry, bitter thought, or a painful memory is given more power the more we allow it to replay in our heads. Simply writing down how we feel can help, providing a safe way of getting our feelings out of our heads; ‘write and burn’ provides a ritual whereby we can ‘let go’ symbolically – it may not be sufficient, but it can be a start and open the gates for more engagement instead of hiding from our feelings[1]. It is the acknowledgment of the feelings that starts the process, rather than the “I’m fine” attitude.
I’m not saying it’s easy to admit to what is going on in our heads, but the great thing recently is the way that celebrities and others have been, at last, discussing mental health openly. So many people are admitting to a past of emotional and mental issues, in the hope that this will help others find the courage to seek help.
What kind of past issues might be affecting us now? Peter Levine is a writer and teacher who has developed ‘Somatic Experiencing’. He says this: “Trauma may begin as acute stress from a perceived life-threat or as the end product of cumulative stress. Both types of stress can impair, sometimes seriously, a person’s ability to function with resilience and ease. Trauma may result from a wide variety of stressors such as accidents, invasive medical procedures, sexual or physical assault, emotional abuse, neglect, war, natural disasters, loss, birth trauma, epigenetics, systems, or the corrosive stressors of ongoing fear and conflict.[2]”
But as part of holding on to the past can be a lack of memory, so you know something is wrong but you don’t know what – how do you know if something really isn’t right inside? Here is a useful list of possible signs of unresolved trauma[3]:
“1. Perfectionist tendencies
2. An unhealthy level of independence
3. Low self-worth and feelings of worthlessness
4. Codependency in relationships
5. Fear of abandonment
6. Avoidance
7. Always fearing what might happen next (intense anxiety)
8. Difficulty managing life changes such as a new job
9. Tolerating abusive behaviors
10. Difficulties establishing boundaries
11. Craving external validation
12. Being overly agreeable
13. Being unable to tolerate conflict
14. Feelings of shame
15. Hypervigilance and an inability to let your guard down
16. Trust difficulties and being unable to open up to others
17. Control and anger issues
18. Emotional regulation difficulties”
I do feel that, at heart, most of want to be happy. I also know that when we are held back by an unresolved past, happiness usually does not feel possible; too much is going on in the head as these destructive behaviours control us, eating us up and distorting normal responses to situations and people.
How do we move on from this? The traditional way is often psychology, or counselling. Personally, I always describe the body, not the mind, as ‘the last bastion of defence’! As a body-centred therapist, my deep understanding is that the body remembers and records trauma, responding to it by guarding, protecting, adapting. I have found that the mind-centred approach does not necessarily free what the body holds onto. ‘The body remembers’ by Babette Rothschild is an interesting introduction to this, while the following books are also good reading around the subject:
Peter A Levine – Waking the Tiger
Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score
Bruce Lipton – The Biology of Belief
As a ScarWork and a Fascial Unwinding[4] teacher, I frequently see light touch to the body, in a therapeutic context done with intension, kindness, lack of judgement and great care, facilitating the freeing of profound emotion.
I would say that, to start the process, the first thing is to be honest with ourselves. The second is to be kind and gentle as we approach our feelings. Beating ourselves up for not being normal, or capable of relationships, or always feeling exhausted, for example, is not useful. We have been through whatever it was and come through the other side. Or maybe we are still in unhealthy, abusive partnerships and need to escape. Reach out – just reach out. There are many supportive organisations – just asking for help from them, or from a friend, is the start. The rest is not easy but it’s a lot easier than living with ourselves when we are holding it all in.
Ready to start? Your GP will often arrange free counselling for you, for a limited number of sessions.
Take a look at the books I’ve suggested – and there is plenty of online help. The following organisations can also help:
The Samaritans – emergency support
Overcome – free online support
Text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, or text “YM” if you’re under 19
If you’re under 19, you can also call 0800 1111 to talk to Childline. The number will not appear on your phone bill.
[1] N.B. burning what we have written should be done in safely – in a fireplace, or a metal bin, for example.
[2] https://traumahealing.org/se-101/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17729744339&gbraid=0AAAAAoexxRpMgQVPrbdwLVOjbIjrycjHY&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnJHMBhDAARIsABr7b87Z6U41gOTUcA0XxkczO6Dy-aCuzOu5qrR1ctPNa7XKGtAw4RKrssUaAiHYEALw_wcB
[3] https://www.reflectionpsychology.com/unresolved-trauma-is-hurting-your-well-being-18-signs-you-still-need-healing/
[4] What is Fascial Unwinding and how does it work? – The Fascia Hub